


Better days (It will get easier, remember that with every piece of you.)

by graceisintodrummers



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Larry Stylinson-freeform, Love, M/M, Tour Fic, Trust, a little bit of smut, dealing with managment, selfharm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-19
Updated: 2014-09-19
Packaged: 2018-02-18 00:35:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2328791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/graceisintodrummers/pseuds/graceisintodrummers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zayn wants to make Liam happy, but he fails.<br/>Liam wants to know the truth, but it's worse than he thought.<br/>Harry wants to kiss his boyfriend on stage, but most of all he wants to keep him together.<br/>Niall wants his boys to smile again, but maybe that means losing his dream.</p><p>And Louis?<br/>Louis just wants the chance to get better days for all of them.<br/>But he needs to learn that he can't fix things on his own.</p><p> </p><p>Or the one where everything is screwed up, but hopefully it will get easier.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Better days (It will get easier, remember that with every piece of you.)

**Author's Note:**

> First of all I don't own the boys. Of course. Unfortunately.
> 
> This is all work of my imagination.
> 
> Also this might be triggering, so.
> 
> I started writing this last year and I had the urge to finish this today, I just needed to write it. So sorry if the ending is a little rushed and it is not betaed but I hope you like it :)

 

_21th of December 2013_

 

It is Saturday the 21th of December and there are finally allowed to start their well deserved Christmas break. All five of them had agreed to stay together for most of the time. Sure, they all need a little time on their own too, after this more than busy year, but it was kind of strange because they already started to miss each other after two days alone.

So they decided to stay at Niall's house in London for the break, because it is nice and big and, which was the main reason to be honest, Niall had already bought a Christmas tree and decorated the house lovely.

They would all make their way home to their families for a couple of days, but not before they hadn't celebrated Louis' 22th birthday on December 24. Nothing special and big since Niall has to catch his plane to Ireland in the afternoon and the others have also a few hours driving. But they want to have brunch together at this little restaurant they had discovered last year. It is nearly cute and all hidden, so they hope no one would disturb their little party.

And after the Christmas days the boys would return to Niall's lovely house and throw a little New- Years-Louis'-Birthday-party. Not many people, just a few friends, most of them from their crew. The boys from Five Seconds of Summer would fly over and also some of their old friends would come. But still, not much. Louis wants to have it quiet this year and the other boys agreed in common as he had told them. Maybe this is just what they all need right now. Some quiet time.

 

They are lingering on Niall's giant couch, Louis on the one side with Harry's head in his lap, carefully running his fingers through his dark hair, Zayn on the other side leaning against Liam, whispering something in the younger boy's ear which causes him to giggle softly. Niall is spread in the middle, zapping trough the more than shitty afternoon TV-progamm.

 

“So, what do you guys want for Christmas”? The Irish boy asks, smiling brightly at his four best friends in the world. “Since you know I love presents!”

 

Zayn stops whispering into Liam's ear and smiles back at Niall.

“I already told you Nialler, you don't have to get me anything, having you is enough for a present to me!” He laughs but turns serious the next second.

 

“No really, I mean, you let us stay here and all, you don't need to get us presents!”

 

“I know, but I want to!” the blonde one insist.

 

“If that's the case, what about some new underwear for our little Liam.” Harry smirks and lifts his head up from Louis' legs.

 

“And here it goes.” Liam mumbles but he doesn't really care about it. It is just what they do, teasing each other, making not so funny jokes. But it is always playful.

 

“Yeah and what about some oranges for Harry to eat at our next big event?” He answers looking at Harry in amusement. Harry laughs and tries to throw a pillow at his friend but instead it hits Zayn who throws it right back at the curly one.

 

“What about you Louis?” Niall asks not bothering the pillow fight between his band mates. “Since it is also your birthday!”

 

Louis doesn't answer at first, he just stares at the wall in front of him so Niall repeats his question.

 

“What do you want this year? Lou?”

The oldest boy still isn't looking at him but he answers. “Better days.”

 

It is not more than a whisper, but everyone hears it and suddenly the room is quiet. Harry turns around to face the boy with the blue eyes. “Lou...what?”

 

“Better days.” Louis repeats, louder this time. “Just the chance that maybe we'll find better days.”

 

The other band members frown at their friend, because where the hell is this coming from?

 

“Sorry.” Louis mumbles, stands up and leaves the room. “Wait, Louis...” Harry is about to follow him but Liam is faster. “Let me handle it Hazza!” He says with a soft voice.

 

“But...I...” Harry tries to answer, but Niall holds him back. “Just let him do this!” The youngest one looks very unhappy but he shrugs anyway and let himself sink against Niall's chest. He feels like everything was perfect a minute ago and now it falls apart. Maybe it is better to let Liam go, because he is not sure if he could hold back his tears at the moment.

 

“Trust me. Everything is going to be okay.” Liam says, smiling softly, before leaving to room.

 

As soon as the door is closed Zayn moves closer to the other boys. He puts his arms about the two of them and now there all just inches away from each other. It feels good to be honest. Save.

 

“Did I do something wrong?” Harry asks while he buries his head into Niall's shoulder. “Definitely not.” Zayn shakes his head. “Louis is just...it's difficult Harry.” Zayn bits his lip, he is not sure how to say it without freaking Harry out.

 

“You know Harry, Louis is just unhappy with the situation, you know that. He is just sick of hiding. As we all are.” Niall jumps in. Harry nods slowly. Yeah, well maybe it is just that. He understands it, he really does. There is nothing he wants more, than be finally able to kiss his boyfriend of three years whenever he wants to. He is tired of hiding too. More than that. He actually can't stand any of this one day longer.

 

“But...why hasn't he said something. He never lets me in.” Harry mumbles, not able to look the other boys in the eyes, because, damn he feels weak. He knows that there are tears in his eyes and he doesn't want them to see. He cries much too often lately.

 

“He is trying to protect you.” Zayn answers immediately. “He just wants you to feel save around him, he wants to be strong for you. It kills him to see you looking away when he gets asks about his girlfriend. He hates how you have to go through all this shit because of him. And he really wants to save you, but sometimes he fails and then he feels bad about it.”

 

Now Harry lifts his head to look at Zayn. “Z? Everything okay?” The older boy frowns. “Yeah...sure, w...why are you asking?” Zayn tries to play it down, but he looks at his hands, avoiding any eye contact.

“Zayn, if this about Liam you can talk to us!” Niall tries to help his friend.

“I...don't want to talk about him.” Harry and Niall change a worried look.

“Zayn...we just...”, the youngest boy tries to say, but he gets cut off.

“I'm sorry...can we just...not talk maybe? Just sit here?” Harry cuddles closer again and rubs Zayn's back gently to comfort him. He knows exactly how the boy feels.

“In to watch some Teen Wolf? Stiles makes everything better?” Niall asks to light up the mood a little. He hates to see his band mates break down under the pressure of being famous. They have to change something. Louis is so right. Next year has to be better.

 

-

 

Liam knocks softly on Louis' door, but he doesn't get an answer.

“Please, mate, it's me, Liam. Let me in.” As he still gets nothing back from his friend, he just opens the door. He know he shouldn't do it, but he is worried and he can't just walk away.

He finds Louis lying on the king size bed, burying his head in the pillows, his shoulders moving up and down.

It hurts so bad to see Louis crying. Of course, it always hurts when one of the boys is sad, but it's worse with Louis because he always seems so strong and sassy and when he falls, he falls hard and it breaks Liam's heart.

“Liam, I want to be alone!” The younger boy has trouble catching the words because the other boy's face is still pressed onto the pillow. He takes a deep breath before sitting down on the bed next to Louis.

“No Lou, you don't want to be alone, not really. You think you have to and that's a difference. You think you have to be strong and handle things on your own because you are the oldest. But you're wrong Louis, please, let me be here for you.” He gently touches his friend's shoulder with his fingertips. He is not sure if he's allowed to touch him. Louis barely let's someone in lately.

But the older boy lifts his head and sits up and Liam feels his heart breaking again, as he sees his swollen eyes and the tears on his cheeks. “Li, I...” Liam doesn't hesitate to wrap his arms around the tiny boy and holds him close, stroking his back as he cries. “It's okay Lou, take your time!”

After a while Louis stops crying, but Liam doesn't let him go. He is not ready yet. If he could he would hold him until his heart is fixed and the pain goes away. But he knows that it takes much more than this.

“I'm sorry.” Louis doesn't seem to mind that the younger boy still holds him and Liam feels him slowly relaxing into his arms.

 

“Don't be Lou. It's okay to break down. I'm always there to catch you. We all are, you know that!”

 

“But I want to be strong for Harry. I want to protect him.”

 

“I know, don't you think I know that Louis? But Harry has grown so much in the last year, probably more than any of us. He understands!”

 

Louis looks up now and wipes his eyes with the back of his hands.

 

“But Li, what if it never gets any better?”

 

Liam doesn't know if a heart can break three times within minutes but Louis sound so hopeless and he literally can't cope with that. He grabs his shoulders and looks into his usually so bright blue eyes.

 

“Louis Tomlinson, listen to me okay? Weren't you the one who told me we should be patient and that we'll work things out eventually. It's okay if you stumble, it's even okay to fall Louis. But you have to stand up, okay? Don't you dare to give up, that is not you Louis. The boys need you, do you understand. Harry needs you. I need you Louis. You don't have to be strong all the time. But you have to stay!”

 

It's not until he finished his little speech that he notices the tears falling down his cheeks. Dammit, he is here to comfort Louis not to cry in front of him. Stupid emotions.

 

“Fuck, Li. I'm sorry, I...I shouldn't have to burden you with my stupid problems. You have it much worse, I'm sorry. You okay?”

 

“I'm not okay Lou, of course I'm not. How could I? But that doesn't mean I can't help okay?

And that doesn't mean my problems are bigger than yours! We all aren't okay. Zayn is not, Harry is not. Damn Lou, even Niall is not okay. But we are in this together and we are going to fix this together!”

 

Louis hugs Liam and he hides his face in his neck, feeling save, loved.

 

“Can you get Harry please? I think I need to talk to him!”

 

“Sure Louis.”

 

As Liam walks into the living room he finds his three band mates wrapped up together on the big sofa pining over Derek Hale. He can't help but smile.

  
“Hazza?” He waits till the boy looks up. “Louis is asking for you.”

 

Harry is on his feet before Liam even finished his sentence.  
  
“So he is okay?”

 

“No. But he will be Hazza. Just be there for him.”

 

Harry nods and reaches for the older boy's hand as he walks past him.

 

“Thanks Li!”

 

As Harry is out of the room Liam sits down at the couch besides Niall and takes a deep breath. Everything is going to be okay.

 

“So I'm gonna make myself something to eat, does anyone want anything?” Niall stands up and smiles at the two boys on the couch.

  
“Niall, what are you...?” Zayn doesn't finish his sentences because he knows exactly what Niall is doing and it is not fucking nice.

 

“It may take a while, I'm very hungry.” And with this Niall is out of the room and leaves Zayn to deal with his stuff alone.

 

“So how is Louis doing?”

 

“Pretty bad actually. It breaks my heart to see him like this. It's....damn Zayn, I...”

 

Zayn frown as he sees the other boy's tears, unable to speak or move.

  
Liam looks up and wipes his tears away.  
  
“I'm sorry Zayn, I didn't...I'm gonna help Niall...”

 

Liam is almost out of the door as Zayn is finally able to speak again.

 

“Stay!”

 

It is not more than a whisper but the younger boy hears it and he turns around in the doorway to face Zayn.

 

“Why?”

 

“I...Liam, just...fuck...please?”

 

Zayn is up on his feet, trying to find the right words, trying to make Liam come back, because it feels like he is leaving much more than just this room right now.

Fuck, an hour before everything had been just fine, what had happened?

 

“Why, Zayn?”

 

“Because I need you!”  
  


_Because I love you,_ he thinks. But apparently it is enough for Liam because it takes him only three steps to be back and embracing the smaller boy into a hug.

 

Now Zayn is the one who is crying as Liam holds him tight.

 

“I'm so sorry Zayn.”

 

“Me too Li, me too.”

 

And that was it. Liam holds Zayn until Niall comes back, he doesn't know what else to do.

They should talk, he knows that. But right know he just doesn't feel strong enough. He just wants to hold Zayn and never let him go. It's the only thing that matters right now, being close to the boy he loves.

 

-

 

“Louis?” Harry stands in front of the door, not sure if he can just walk in.  
“Come in Harry.”

Louis sits on their bed and he lifts up his head as his boyfriend opens the door.  
The younger boy sees the traces of tears on Louis' cheeks. He is not sure what to do. Slowly he walks over to the bed and his heart is beating way to fast.

What if Louis says it is too much? That he can't continue any more, that he can't be with him any longer. What if he breaks up with him?

 

As he reaches the bed, the thoughts in Harry's head make perfect sense. He should have seen it coming, the last month had been extremely difficult, they had even fought a lot more than usual.

And he wants just the best for Louis, so maybe he is right. Maybe they should end it, or at least take a break.

He sits down beside his boyfriend, but he doesn't look at him. He takes a deep breath.

 

“It's okay if you ant to break up with me Louis. I understand it.”

 

“What?”

 

“Isn't this what you wanted to talk about? It is okay, really Lou, we can take a break, maybe fix something before we start again. Whatever makes you happy Lou, I'd do....”

 

“Harry!”

 

“Really, I won't be mad at you, we can still be friends, we can still be there for each other, even if we aren't together any more...”

 

“Harry!”

 

“Just say it Lou, okay, please just....”

 

“Harry Edward Styles, look at me!”

 

Louis raises his voice to stop Harry from talking. He puts his hand under the younger boy's chin and lifts it up to look in his emerald eyes.

 

“I will not break up with you Harry!”

 

“You...not? But, I thought...”

 

“I don't know what you thought. But I'd never break up with you honey. Not today, not tomorrow. Not in this life.”

 

“I know it just...made perfect sense in my head.”

 

“I'm sure it did!” He moves closer to his boyfriends and places a small kiss on his lips.

 

“Can I talk now?” Harry nods while burying his head in the older boys neck.

 

“I'm sorry for leaving so fast earlier. I'm sorry for making you worry. That was not what I wanted.

I always try to protect you, so I keep my feelings to myself. I don't want to burden you.

But Liam kind of convinced me that it wasn't the best way of dealing with things. Maybe not even a good one. And he told me that you got stronger this year, maybe stronger than we are all. And fuck, Harry he is right. You just told me that you would be there for me, if I broke up with you.”

 

He takes Harry's face in both hands and leans their foreheads together.  
“Harry, I love you and I need you. And I'm sorry that I didn't let you in. It will change okay? I'll be a better boyfriend from now on?” He kisses Harry's forehead. “We can work things out!” He kisses his cheek. “We'll make it!” He kisses his lips. “Okay?”

 

“Okay.”

 

-

 

After a while Louis and Harry go back to the living room to find their friends sitting on the sofa, eating pizza (Niall had decided to order some food instead of cooking) and watching Teen Wolf.

  
“The boyfriends are back!”, Liam jokes but his smile is genuine as he sees the hands of the two boys intertwined. Maybe things aren't as bad as he thought when they just love each other enough.

It's them against the rest of the world, but they are strong. And more importantly they won't give up. He won't give up until Niall is his carefree self again. He won't give up until Harry and Louis are able to hold hands in public. He won't give up till Zayn...fuck...

 

“I love you guys!”

The other boys look at Niall in confusion.

“I mean I love being in this band, I love performing and touring, I love the fans and the late nights in the studio. But I love you more, and I wouldn't care to give it all up for you.”

Zayn who sits closest to Niall pulls him into a hug.

“We'll find another way. We'll make it work!”

 

-

 

It's already after midnight as Liam hears a knock on his door. He groans, but he stands up and opens the door.  
  
“What...?” He stops immediately as he sees Zayn in front of him, tears streaming down his face, hands shaking uncontrollably.  
  
“C...Come in.” He takes the older boys hand, leads him to the bed, and sits them both down.  
  
“What happened, Zayn?” Liam expects the worst. Maybe something happened to his sisters, or his mum? He couldn't even think about it. “Please, tell me!”

 

But instead of saying anything, Zayn just hands him his phone. Liam look down to see an email from Modest! He starts reading it.

He skips the beginning, just some formal stuff and reads the important part.

 

 

_As you know we are recently busy promoting Little Mix so we need you and your family during the holidays to hang out with the Edwards family. Also a few dates with you and Perrie, ending in a romantic evening on New Years Eve._

 

_You may also like to know that we are pronouncing the wedding date in late January. It will be the 4th of November 2014._

 

 

He feels like he can't breath. He feels like the whole words comes crushing down and he can't do anything about. His heart stops.

 

“What am I going to do Li?” Zayn voice sounds weak, like he isn't sure how to speak or maybe just like he had already cried for hours.

 

“You're not doing anything. You stay here, you turn you phone of. I'm going to fix this.”

 

“Li, it's not that bad, I...”

 

“It is that bad! I'm not letting them do this to you!”  
  


And then he is out of the room and leaves Zayn alone. The older boy let's himself sink into the soft pillows and starts to cry again.

 

-

 

“LOUIS, OPEN THE DOOR!”

 

Harry and Louis are immediately awake and out of bed. Not because of the fact that someone is bagging against their door after midnight, but because this someone is Liam.

They both know Liam, and something really bad must have happened to make him angry like this.

 

“What happened Li?”

 

Both of the boys are standing in the frame of the door, looking at their friend, eyes full of worry.

 

“Harry can you go to my room and take care of Zayn, he just got an email from management. He and Perrie are getting married in November...”

 

And that is when it hits him and suddenly he feels his legs bending, but Louis arms are around him before he touches the ground and Harry is there too and the two hold him as he screams because it hurts to much. He tries to fight the hands of his friends. Zayn is getting married. Married to a girl that doesn't even loves him for who he is. Married to another person. Married...

 

Finally he gives up and lets himself sink against Louis' chest. As the tears start falling he doesn't know how to stop them. At first he had been just angry, because Zayn, his Zayn, his best friends, Zayn, who he cares about had looked so broken and hurt and he wanted to fix it.

But right now all he feels is pain, deep pain somewhere in his chest, because, fuck, Zayn, his Zayn, the love of his life, Zayn, who he is so deeply in love with is going to get married to a girl.

 

He feels Harry picking him up and laying him down on the bed but not letting him go.

He feels the younger boy's hand on his back, rubbing soft circles in comfort.

 

“Shh...Liam, it's going to be okay, please, we're here, shh Li, babe...”

 

“I love him Harry!”

 

“I know!”  
  


“I'm in love with him.”

 

“I know, Li.”

 

“So how is this going to be okay?”

 

“We will fix it.”

 

“How, Harry, how?”

 

“I don't know...”

 

Liam moves closer into Harry, he wants to be hold right now, he feels like there is no strength, no hope left in him and he needs his friend, needs Harry.

 

“Liam...”

 

That's not Harry's voice and Liam lifts his head up immediately.

Zayn standing in front of the bed, clenching on Louis' shirt not to fall down, because he is still crying. And Liam feels even worse if that's possible, but he is up on his feet in one second, and he doesn't care about his legs shaking. He just reaches out for Zayn and the older boy lets himself fall into Liam's open arms.

 

Liam feels Harry and Louis joining the hug and he doesn't know how long they are standing like this before they pull apart. Except for him and Zayn, because he refuses who let this boy go ever again.

 

“You can stay the night if you want. Both of you!”

 

Louis nods as he takes his boyfriend's hand.

 

“We're always here for you.”

 

“Thanks, but I think we are going back to my room. If it's okay for you Zayn?”

 

He gets a nod from the older boy, but seeing the circumstances it is enough.

After he made sure that Zayn is able to stand alone for a second he hugs the other boys goodbye.

Harry holds him a little longer than necessary.

 

“Talk to him, okay? There's nothing you can do tonight, we're gonna figure it out tomorrow. But you can talk to him.”

 

Harry makes sure that the other boys don't hear the words he is whispering. There are supposed to be for Liam and he really hopes he understands the amount of them.

 

As they said their goodbyes, Liam picks Zayn up and walks to his room slowly.

 

“I can go back to my room, if I bother you...”

 

His voice is so low that Liam has trouble understanding.

 

“What?”

 

“I don't want to bother you Li, I can sleep in my own bed. You don't have to take care for me out of pity...”

 

“What...are you really thinking that...fuck..”

 

They have reached Liam's room so he lets the older boy down and closes the door behind them.

 

He leans his back against the closed door and takes a deep breath. Zayn is standing right in front of him, only a few inches away, looking at him. He can't say what his eyes are telling him. Is it pain? Weakness? Anger?

 

“Look Zayn, I didn't want to tell you like this. When I imagined it in my head it was special, and romantic and heart breaking. But I think in consideration of the circumstances I have to tell you now.”

 

“What are you talking about, Li, I....”

 

“Stop Zayn. I speak you listen okay?”

 

Zayn nods and looks at the other boy in confusion. What is this all about?

 

“I'm not sure what the thing between us means okay? I don't know what to think about the touches and the way we kiss fleetingly when no one sees it, how you look at me sometimes, the I love you forevers. And fuck Zayn, I don't know why my heart feels like it is shattered to piece every time someone asks you about the engagement. I have no idea why I think about you all the time, why I want to see you, why I miss you so much. I can't tell you why it feels so good to hold you in my arms. And it scares me. I'm afraid of how much you mean to me. But at the same time I just want to be with you Zayn, I want to make you smile, I want to fall asleep next to you, everyday.”

 

He clenches his hands, not able to look up.

 

“Fuck Zayn, I don't know how to feel about all of this, I'm so confused. But there is something between us, you can't tell me otherwise. There is something, I mean you must have felt it too...or maybe it is just all in my head and I'm misinterpreting things, I don't know.

What I want to say is, I'm sorry if I have been distant lately, and fuck, Zayn I'm sorry if I made you feel like you couldn't come to me any more. I love you and I care about you. I'll always be there, I'll catch you Zayn, whenever you need me to. I'm here. And I'm not letting anyone hurt you, not our management or the media, I won't let them. I'll fix this, I'll find a way, I promise.”

 

Liam looks up from his hands for the first time since he started talking as he feels Zayn moving closer. Their eyes lock and Liam sees something in the other boy's caramel eyes he has never seen before.

 

“Zayn I'm sorry, I didn't want to ruin things, you're still my best friend and...”

 

“Oh Liam Payne, seriously, shut up!”

 

And then they are so close to each other, Liam can feel Zayn's heart beating and all of a sudden he feels the older boy's lips on his own.

 

It's so different to the times they kissed before, so much more intense. And it tastes like tears. Liam is not sure if they are his or Zayn's but then he feels the other boy smiling into the kiss and maybe they are both crying but maybe it doesn't matter because it is okay to cry sometimes.

 

Zayn pulls away eventually, but only a little, just enough to face the younger boy.

 

“The thing between us is not something Li. It's everything, okay?”

 

He leans in again for another, much shorter kiss.

 

“We will work things out. Together we will make this okay. It won't be easy but I don't care as long as you are with me.”

 

Liam just nods and smiles because he really can't say anything right now. Zayn takes his hand and leads him to the bed. They lay down next to each other, as close as possible.

 

“So this means you're staying the night?”

 

“Every night from now on if you let me.”

 

-

 

_28th of January 2014_

 

It's almost one month later and the boys are back at Niall's flat.

Not much had happened the last couple of weeks, just a few PR stunts their management made up, Zayn's birthday, Niall's knee surgery and a bunch of new tattoos for Harry.

 

They are at Niall's because they want to look after the boy who still has to walk on and other than that they really miss being around.

 

The blonde boy is zapping to the channels as they see the news.

 

_One Direction Band Member Zayn Malik confirms his wedding date with little Mix singer Perrie Edward in November this year._

 

All eyes are automatically on Zayn.

 

“I thought, they said, they wouldn't...”

 

“It's okay Niall.”

 

Zayn's voice sounds cold and harsh.

 

“No it's not, they promised, they can't do that...I'm gonna call them, they have to take it back.”

 

Liam stands up to grab his phone but Zayn stops him.

 

“No.”

 

“What?”  
  


“No, you're not calling. I don't want you do.”

 

Liam looks at the other boys seeking for help but they have no idea what is happening.

 

“Zayn...please let me help, I'm trying to fix it, okay?”  
  


The older boy stands up too so he faces Liam. His voice is still calm but you can hear the anger.

  
“I don't want your help Li. Why don't you get that? It's none of your business.”

 

The other boys frown.

 

“I just want to help Z. A...And I'm...I'm your boyfriend, this means it is my...”

 

“No.”

 

“W...What?”

 

“You're not my boyfriend Liam, you are trying to make me believe that you love me, but you don't and fuck.”

 

His voice gets louder and the others boys can literally feel his anger right now as he makes a step towards the younger boy.

 

“And you are not even gay, fuck Liam, maybe this is for the best and I have no chance anyway, I singed a contract, so fucking LEAVE ME ALONE!”

 

He screams the last words, right into Liam's face and something about that is strange because Zayn isn't the screaming type, not at all. But maybe they just never experienced something like that, so maybe it's just a human reaction.

 

And then Zayn is outside the room and Liam feels like he can't move or speak or even breath. He is not sure if his heart is still beating, there is a good chance it just stopped somewhere between Zayn's words.

 

He feels arms around him and normally it feels save to have the boys so close but he just can't cope with that right now, so he gently pushes the bodies away from him.

  
“S...Sorry.” He stutters, not sure where to look but definitely not into the eyes of the other boys.

 

“Are you okay, Li?” Harry steps closer again and lays one hand onto the older boy's shoulder.

 

“Zayn's just upset and confused. He didn't mean it, he...”

 

Liam pulls away again. He can't listen to Harry right now, he knows he is worried and wants to help but he just needs to get out of here.

“I...just...bathroom.” He mumbles under his breath as he turns around and leaves the room. He makes his way straight into the shared bathroom and makes sure to lock the door behind him, so none of the boys can come in. Then he collapses on the floor not sure if he will ever be able to stand up again.

 

-

 

“Zayn.” Louis is banging at the door of his friend's room. “Zayn, what the hell was that?”

 

“Go away Louis.”

 

“No, I will not go any way. You'll open the fucking door and talk to me!”

 

“Louis please.”

 

“I'm not leaving until I know what's going on!”

 

The door opens slowly and all of a sudden Louis' anger is gone as he sees the other boy standing in front of him and fuck, Zayn has never looked that broken.

 

The younger boy is crying silent tears and Louis is next to him within a second ready to hold him, ready to do whatever his friend needs.

 

“Louis, I fucked up.”

 

Louis doesn't hesitate to put his arms around him, bringing him closer.

 

“Oh yeah you did.” He says but he strokes his hair in comfort as he gently closes the door behind them.

 

“What happened out there?”

  
“I..don't...”

 

“Do not tell me that you don't love him because you might fool Li but I've seen you looking at him for over three years now and even if you are not interested in other boys, the way you stare at him, this Zayn, is love and you can't tell me otherwise.”

 

It sounded harder than he wanted it to be but maybe that it was just what Zayn needs.

 

“I...Lou...” Zayn takes a deep breath. “I never said that I don't love him. I do, believe me I do, and I'm aware of it. I've been in love with him for a long time. I just want to protect him, he doesn't have to go through this you know? He deserves better. I can't give him what's best for him. And maybe he thinks he loves me right now, but we both know he doesn't love me, not really and he could be way more happy without me.”

 

Zayn's tears start to fall again as he buries his head deeper into Louis' sweater.

 

“You're being really unfair here you know that?”

 

“What? Why?”

 

“You don't let the boy speak, Z. You just tell him to fucking leave you alone. Do you think Liam doesn't know that this is going to be hard. For all of us. Don't you think he knows what he has to deal with being with you? Yet he still told you how he feels. Do you think he would still be here if he wants easy Zayn?”

 

“I just want to protect him!”

 

“Zayn, do you remember the last time I tried to protect Harry? It was the worst, I was a mess, he was totally broken and you, Liam and Niall had to pick up the pieces from the floor. I know I owe you here but I'd rather not have to do it.”

 

“But...”

 

“No but Zayn. Do you remember a month ago just around Christmas when I again wanted to protect him? And do you know who talked me out of it? Right Liam. Because he knows that Harry wouldn't leave, because he knew I'd just have to let Harry in and everything would be a lot easier, because we can face it together. Liam how hard this is, he knows exactly what he is doing, okay? And he doesn't care because he freaking loves you.”  
  


“Do...do you really think so?”

 

Louis sighs and shakes his head. Will this boy ever understand how much Liam loves him?

 

“I know it Z. I know that he loves you. But you hurt him, so get yourself up and fucking talk to the boy.”

 

-

 

“Liam, please open the door!” Niall and Harry are standing outside the bathroom, trying to get their friend out.

 

“He has been in there for over half an hour!” Harry's voice is full of concern. “Li, please answer. Just tell us you're okay!

 

Niall bumps his fist against the bathroom door. “Liam Payne, fuck!”

 

There is still no answer from the other side of the door and the two boys outside share a worried look.

 

“We have to get Zayn!” Harry decides. “He is the only chance to get him out of there.” Niall shakes his head. “I'm not so sure about this.”

 

But he follows the younger boy anyway.

 

 

Harry doesn't bother to knock on Zayn's door. He just goes in, but he frowns as he sees Zayn crying on Louis' shoulder. He swallows. No he won't feel sorry for him now. Zayn has caused this mess, so it is his to fix.

 

“Zayn, we need you. Lima has locked himself up in the bathroom and he isn't answering nor will he open the door.”

 

Zayn lifts his head up. He looks so broken that it causes Harry to shiver. Maybe he foes feel sorry for him. Just a little bit.

 

“Can you please check on him?” Harry adds softer. “Y...Yeah, of course.” Zayn stands up and looks at Louis who gives him an encouraging smile. Then he tuns to Harry. “I'm sorry.”

 

“I know. Just go and fix it.”

 

-

 

Liam can't open the door to let his friends in, because he has done something stupid, something he doesn't want to see them.

 

It is not the first time, he has done it before, like way back in the past, when he didn't even knew the boys. Every time it had been a really hard day at school and he'd still hear the names they called him in the hallway and every time he'd closed his eyes he see them laugh before hitting him in the face, he had locked himself in the bathroom pocked up the blade he his in his bag and cut his skin till he felt no more pain inside him, just relief.

 

And as he walked into the bathroom earlier, his vision blurry from the tears, he saw the razor and the couldn't control himself.

 

It's just two cuts, but they are quite deep and they just won't stop bleeding. He didn't remember there were so much blood.

 

The other boys don't know. The only person he has ever told is Zayn. And there is no way he can ask the others to get him now. So he just sits silently as Niall and Harry knocked on the door, pressing his lips together, tears streaming down his face. If only the cuts would stop bleeding.

 

-

 

“Li? Liam, it's me Zayn. Can you open the door for me?” Liam's heart stops beating for a second as he hears the older boy's voice outside. “J...Just you?” Liam asks, his voice shaky. “Just me Liam, I promise.”

 

So the younger boy unlocks the door and Zayn comes inside within a second, locking the door behind him again. He sees Liam sitting on the floor with his back leaning against the tube.

 

“Liam, I'm so sorry, I...”

 

“No, no. I'm sorry Zayn.”

 

“There is nothing you have to be sorry for, I...” But Liam cuts him off before he can finish his sentences.

 

“I've done something stupid Z.” Liam says and turns his arm so the other boy can see his wrist.

 

“Li...No...” The older boy sinks down on the floor beside his boyfriend and grabs his arms.  
  


“No, Liam fuck. No...” And then he breaks down crying on Liam's lap, his hand still around the younger boy's wrist.

“Liam, I am so sorry, I didn't, oh Liam...”

 

And Liam is crying too, a lot harder than before. “I'm sorry Zayn. I know it was wrong. I just...I love you Zayn, I'm sorry. I love you.”

 

But Zayn can't answer him because he is crying so bad, holding onto the love of his life and all he can think is that it is his fault.

 

-

 

The other three boys are still outside the bathroom door. “Zayn, is everything okay in there?”

 

Louis listens for a second to hear if there is any response.

 

“Fuck, I'm breaking into this damn door if no one opens it. I swear!” He bangs his fists against the wood. “Zayn, open the freaking door!”

 

The oldest boy runs his hand through his hair. “Niall do you have a second key or something?”

 

Niall hesitates for a second then he disappears in the kitchen and the other tow hear him searching for the key.

 

 

“Liam, Zayn, please just say something, why aren't you answering?” Harry starts one last try. He leans against the door trying to hear anything as he suddenly stumbles over his own feet when the door gets opened.

 

He catches himself before he falls down. “Harry.” Zayn's voice cracks as he says his band mates name and Harry just can't be angry any more. He opens his arms for Zayn while Louis gets into the bathroom.

 

“Zayn.” Harry embraces the smaller boy into a hug and he can feel him shaking. He ist just about to say something comforting as he hears Louis screaming Liam's name.

 

He turns around to see his boyfriend kneeling in front of Liam, starring at the younger boy's wrists. Harry gasps but before he is able to say anything Niall walks into the room and drops the key he just found.

 

“What the hell, Lima!” Then the blonde boy is on his knees too and wraps his arms around Lima. Harry changes a short look with Louis, then Zayn and without hesitating the three of them join the boys on the ground to hug.

 

They hold on to each other for several minutes, not able t say anything but maybe words aren't needed right now.

 

-

 

But they do talk the evening. They sit together in the living room, drinking the hot chocolate Harry made and Liam tells his friends everything about his scars. They knew about the bullying, but he never told anyone about his struggles with himself.

 

Well, except for Zayn. Zayn is close the whole time the younger boy tries to answer the questions the others have. He doesn't say anything but he feels more than guilty. He was the only one who knew. Liam trusted him. And he wasn't there. Worse than that, he made Liam feel like crap. When all he really wants is to make this boy happy. But again he failed. Like he always does. He never gets anything right.

 

-

 

It is a long, emotional night and as they finally go to bed, Louis falls into a restless sleep within minutes. Harry on the other hand is kept awake by the thoughts in his head. He watches his boyfriend sleep for a while before he gets up and sneaks into the kitchen.

 

“What...fuck Zayn. You scared me.” The older boy sits on the kitchen floor, his head resting on his knees and that's when Harry notices his shoulder are moving up and down.  
  
“Hey Z. What's wrong?” He lets himself down beside his friend and touches his hand gently. “Zayn...it's okay.” Zayn looks up. He has dark circles under his eyes and stings of tears on his cheeks.

 

“No Harry, it's not. Don't you get it? He cut himself because of me. It is my fault!” Harry gasps. “Zayn, it's not, you...It's..we all struggle with things right now, you...and the marriage Zayn, it's not your fault, you didn't...”

 

“Harry!” Zayn stops him. “I knew. He told me. I was the only one who knew about his scars. And we had this agreement, that he'd come to me when he ever feels like doing it. But he couldn't come to me this time Harry. I made him feels like doing it. How is this not my fault?”

 

Harry doesn't know what to say. He moves closer and wraps his arms around his friend. “Zayn.” The older boy starts crying again, he cries into Harry's shoulder until there are no more tears left inside of him.

 

-

 

The two boys don't go back to bed this night. After Zayn stopped crying, Harry makes hot chocolate, because hot chocolate always helps and they cuddle up at the sofa watching several episodes of Teen Wolf before they eventually fall asleep huddled up to each other. That's how the other boys find them the next morning.

 

“Do you know what happened? I woke up to an empty bed. It look like Zayn didn't sleep there at all.”

 

“I don't know when Harry left either. Maybe they just couldn't sleep.” He lays one arm around Liam as they watch their boyfriends sleep. “Should I make breakfast?” Niall suggests. “It has been a rough night for all of us.” Louis nods thankfully. Maybe they need a bit normality now, maybe something as …. as breakfast.

 

“Harry, wake up honey.” Louis gently wakes his boyfriend as Liam and Niall disappear in the kitchen. “Lou...” “Shhh, I don't want to wake up Zayn.”

 

Louis waits until Harry stood up to take his hand and leads him out of the living room, into their bed room. They lay down on their bed, hands still intertwined. “What happened Haz?” Harry buries his head in Louis sweater. “Zayn feels guilty because of Li. Louis, I never saw him like this. He is broken. How can we fix this? We need to fix this Lou!”

 

The older boy sighs. “It's not his fault that Liam...you know. He...Zayn has it worst with the wedding and all...we have to get out of this Harry. Do you see what management does to us? They almost broke us apart. And now they are doing the same with Zayn and Liam. I mean a fake wedding? Really? That's too much, baby, too much.” He lifts his boyfriend's chin up to kiss him fiercely. “I promise you, I'll fix this!”

 

Back in the living room Liam tries to wake up Zayn. “Hey, are you okay?” The older boy opens his eyes slowly. As soon as he sees Liam looking at him fondly he feels like crying again. The other boy notices the tears in the corner of Zayn's eyes. “Z, what's worng?”

 

“Liam, I...” He can't help it, he starts crying again. Liam takes him into a hug and he immediately feels better. Liam's hugs always do this.

 

It only lasts for a second though before he feels guilty again. He wipes his tears away. “Can we go somewhere to talk?” He manages to say. Liam looks worried. “Sure yeah, but Niall's making breakfast, maybe we should eat first and...” “No, please.” Zayn answers between his tears. “It can't, I don't...Let's talk now please.”

 

“Alright.” Liam nods. “Just go to our room. I'll talk to Niall, tell him we're not joining them for breakfast. I'll be with you in a minute.” He kisses Zayn's forehead before he stands up.

 

As Liam comes in Zayn managed to stop crying. The younger boy sits down on the bed beside him.

“Listen Zayn, I'm so sorry. I know I screwed up. Like totally. I disappointed you, I know. I know I promised you not to do it again, I let you down and I'm so sorry. Please forgive me Zayn, do you think you can, cause...”

 

Zayn takes his hand and looks at him for a second, It hurts seeing him like this. “It's not your fault, Jaan.” Liam frowns. “You haven't used this nickname in month.” He smiles a little. Zayn moves closer. “I love you Liam.”

 

“I love you too, so much...” Zayn shushes him with his finger. “I know Jaan, I know. And I'm not angry at you okay, I'm not disappointed. It was my fault, I did this to you. I...” Liam tries to stop him. “No Zayn, I was weak, I did it, it was not....”

 

“Li please let me talk. This is hard, okay?” Liam nods. “We can't continue like this. We are only hurting each other. And it's getting worse with my wedding coming up and stuff...” “This wedding is not going to happen Z.!” “Shh, Li. I know. Still. We are broken Li, and we're trying to pretend we're not. But that's why yesterday happened. It was too much, we can't go on.”

 

“Are you... are you breaking up with me?” Liam gasps. “No!” Zayn answers. He pauses. “Maybe, I don't know.”

 

“Yes.” He adds. Liam presses his lips together and moves away from the other boy. “So it's true what you said yesterday? That you think that I don't love you? Or maybe what you meant was that you don't love me. And that you are not gay, wasn't that what you wanted to say? It's okay, you could have just told me Zayn!”

 

Zayn doesn't know what to respond. The reason he is breaking up with Liam is not that he doesn't love him. It's that he loves him so much, he can't see him getting hurt because of him. But maybe it's easier for Liam if he can be angry. So the older boy keeps quite as he watches the love of his life leaving the room.

 

-

 

_19\. February 2014_

 

It's the night of the Brit Awards when Zayn meets Liam again. Management lets them tell everyone they haven't seen each other for two month when it really has just been a little more than two weeks. But that's long enough. Too long.

 

Zayn's heart starts racing as soon as he sees Liam. He looks good, stunning to be true. And god Zayn misses him.

 

Liam gets drunk this evening but Zayn is not going to complain cause he is all happy and acts like they are totally fine. So Zayn plays along.

 

He doesn't join the after show party though. It's too much, being near him when everything is so screwed up. He leaves right after the show ends. Louis joins him.

They've rented a hotel suite even though they're in London, but Harry said it'd be nice to spend the night together, just the five of them. Zayn is not so sure.

 

Lima sneaks into Zayn's bed late that night and Zayn can smell that he continued drinking after the show. “'ello Zayn. You awake?” Li mumbles and leaves soft kisses along the older boy's collar bone. “Liam!” Zayn moans, trying to push him away half-hearted.

  
“Missed you so much Zayn, god I missed you. Want to feel you. Need you Zayn.” He kisses him hard and Zayn can't help but melt into it. Still, this is wrong.

 

“Li, we can't...” But Liam doesn't let go of him, he kisses him again and again, tracing his tattoos with his tongue and Zayn can feel his dick harden. “Please Z just tonight. I need you now. Tomorrow I'll be gone.” I don't want you to go, I don't want you to leave me ever again, Zayn thinks. “Okay.” He whispers.

 

The younger boy takes of his shirt and damn how could Zayn resist this? He lets Liam grind against him and a little moan escapes his mouth. “Li...” “Shh Zayn. Wanna make you feel good.” Liam gently pulls down his trousers and looks at Zayn's cock fondly. “Can I...with my mouth?” He asks and it almost sounds shy. “Y...Yeah.” Zayn gasps. They have never done this before. There had never been the right time, because they wanted to take it slow after finally confessing their feelings to each other. Handjobs was all they got to. But slow doesn't matters any more, does it? They are not together and this night is all they have.

 

Liam kisses the top of Zayn's cock before slowly taking it into his mouth causing Zayn to shiver. His hands tuck on the sheets and his back bends in pleasure. “Yes, move Zayn, want you to fuck my mouth.” And Zayn does, he starts moving his hips and he hears Liam moaning with his dick in his mouth and that's all he need to get over the edge, “Li, I'm gonna come, Leeyum fuck...” Liam swallows everything and leads Zayn through his orgasm. “Zayn fuck, you're so hot!” He mumbles and kisses him hard. Zayn can taste his own cum and somehow it's hotter than it should be.

 

The older boy slips his hand inside Liam's trousers and runs a thumb over the head of his cock, already feeling the pre come. “You wanna come for me Li?” “Yeah Zayn, I'm so close.” And Zayn knows how Li likes to come, knows that he wants to be kissed and feeling Liam moan against his lips is probably the hottest thing he knows right now. Liam comes hard, repeating Zayn's name multiple times before he collapses beside him.  
  


He wraps his arms around Zayn, pulling him closer. “Thank you Zayn. 'm so tired. Good night Z. I love you.” Zayn wants to cry.

 

-

 

Zayn wakes up alone the next morning. He feels cold without Liam's body pressed against him. He gets up and walk into the living area, but he stops right before getting into it, because he hears voices inside.

 

“Shh Li, it is okay!” Harry whispers into Liam's hair as he hugs him. “No not okay Harry. I told him that I love him. Again. I do love him so much when he clearly doesn't. That's not okay.”

Niall who sits on Liam's other side gives Harry a desperate look. “Li, we all love you, I love you and Harry and Louis do and Zayn loves you too. You know that right?” He kisses the older boy's temple and pulls him and Harry closer. “But not like that.” Liam says. “Not like I love him.”

 

“Is he right?” Zayn jumps as Louis speaks up behind him. “Do you not love him like he does?” Zayn shrugs but he doesn't answer because he is too busy holding back his tears. “Zayn.” Louis whines, pulling his friend into his arms. “Z you need to let us help you. You need to let us be there for you. You need to let Liam be there for you. You are not going to get through this alone.”

 

Now Zayn can't hold back the tears any more. “What am I supposed to do Louis?” The older boy sighs. If he knew he would have done it a long time ago.

 

“Let us in Zayn. Just let us help you.” Zayn nods barely noticeable and lets Louis lead him into the living room area where Niall, Liam and Harry are still sitting on the couch. Niall looks up, as the two walk in. “Louis, are you sure it's a good idea to bring him in here?” It's obvious that the blonde boy is angry at Zayn. “Stop it Nialler.” Louis says. “There is no point in blaming each other right now.” “But he...”

 

“No Niall. We are a team, okay? The five of us against the world. Nothing else matters.” Harry nods and stands up to get to Zayn and Louis. “Lou is right. No fighting.. Please, it's us guys. We don't fight.” Niall stays silent and just holds Liam closer. Zayn doesn't think he'll stop crying any time today.

 

They sit down together and Niall gets something to eat. M&M's and chips is all he finds in the mini bar but he figures it's better than nothing. Harry makes hot chocolate again, though Niall claims they rather need coffee or vodka. Louis is on the phone with several people for half an hour.

 

 

Then he comes in the room and joins Harry and Zayn on the bigger couch. “Okay, I just talked to Simon, he can't come to talk to us right now, but he said whatever we do he'll have our back. But we also have to see that we will maybe take steps back in out career.” He looks at his boys, on to another before he stops on Niall. “If we want to change our situation we have to be certain that the whole thing will change. Is that okay? For all of us?” The boys nod. “Niall, is this really okay?” Niall frowns. “Yes, why...?” “Niall, this is your dream and I feel bad destroying it. You can say if you have a problem, we understand, you are not involved in this.” Niall stands up from where he is cuddling Liam on the armchair.  
  
“I am not involved in this Louis? I am not involved? Are you sure about that? Yeah because to me it looks like the four boys I love more than my life are hurt, one of them cut himself two weeks ago and the other one cried himself to sleep every night since then.” Zayn can feel Liam's eyes on him. “And you Louis and Harry, you two have to go through this since what, 3 years? 4? And I've seen both of you almost and every fucking time it breaks my heart and I am really not sure how much more I can take. So how am I not involved?”

 

Everyone in the room is quite for a second and Niall just stands there, breathing hard, feeling the tears in his eyes. “Nialler...” Liam stands up first and hugs his friend tight. “God Ni, I'm so sorry.” Harry joins them, also crying now. Zayn stands up too, whispering I'm sorry's in Niall's hair as he hugs him. Louis is the last. He just stands in front of him, looking into his sad blue eyes for a minute. Than he wraps both arms around him as if he'll never let him go again. “Niall, forgive me. You are so strong. You keep us together all the time, you save us, fix us Niall. And we never said thank you, I'm sorry Nialler. I love you.”

 

“I love you too. All of you. I love you so much and I don't care about our careers or anything. You have to believe me.” Louis nods. “We do Niall.”

 

The boys settle back down on the couches and Louis continues. “If we want to tell our fans the truth, we can't do it all at once. We need to take it slow. First we have to “break up” with the girls. Therefore we have to look which contracts are ending soon or from which one we can get out easier. Probably not Zayn's, sorry.” Zayn nods. He finally managed to stop crying again, we won't start again. He feels Liam's eyes on him.

 

Liam looks at Zayn the whole evening. It makes no sense. If he doesn't love him, why is he crying so much? What did Niall say, he cried himself to sleep every night. Why? He can't listen to what Louis is saying. There are so many thoughts going through his head right now.

 

-

 

After they finished they talk Liam sneaks into Zayn's room again. The older boy is about to change his clothes, but Liam doesn't bother to say hello, he just goes right up to Zayn and kisses the shirtless boy. Zayn doesn't push him away but he doesn't kiss him back either. He just looks at him.  
  
“Zayn, if you do not love me I understand. If you are happier without me, I will let you go. But I don't see you being happy. I see you crying the whole day and if I believe Niall you cried the whole two weeks since we've last seen each other. So if there is a chance that you love me I won't let this go, okay? I'm sorry that I walked away the last time. But I'm here now. Because I love you so much and I'm desperate without you. I cannot function without you Z.” He kisses him again, tasting the older boy's salty tears. “Li, don't...please, we can't...” “Tell me that you don't love me and I'll go. I won't ever kiss you again. I'll go away and try to be happy without you, even if it won't work.” Zayn gasps. “I...” He breathes in deeply and looks into Liam's beautiful brown eyes. “I do not love you.” Liam takes a step back. “You...you don't?” He whispers. “No, I don't.”

 

Liam is out of the room before Zayn can see his tears. He thinks about going to the bathroom, he thinks about cutting again, because Zayn doesn't love him. But he can't. This started all the mess in the first place. Instead he knocks on Niall's door, tears streaming down his face. “He doesn't love me.” Niall takes him into his arms. “Oh Li.” The older boy never wants to open his eyes again.

 

-

 

Harry and Louis lie beside each other in their bed, fingers intertwined, starring at the ceiling. “Thanks Lou.” Harry turns around to look at his boyfriend. “For what?” Louis smiles. “For everything. That you love me. That you don't push me away any more. That you do all of this for us.”

 

“I'm doing this for me in the first place. Because I want to be able to kiss you every time I feel like kissing my boyfriend. I want to hold your hands in the streets. And I don't want to wait any longer.” He turns around to lay on his side so he can face Harry, noses almost touching. “I love you baby cakes. I love you more than I have ever loved anyone else. You are the love of my life, the person I want to spend the rest of my time here on earth with. What does all our success count when I can't go up to you on stage and kiss you. Because sometimes I get so overwhelmed and I want to share it with you, only you. But I can't. That's what I'm doing this.”

 

Harry smiles a little and pecks his boyfriend.'s lips “Kissing on stage sounds great. But what if there's no stage any more?” “There will be. But even if there's not, it's okay. It will be okay. I love you, you know that?” The younger boy giggles. “I love you more Lou Lou.” “Not possible.” Louis flips them over so he is on top of his boyfriend. “We just won two Brits baby. We haven't even celebrated yet.” He kisses Harry's collarbone.

 

“How exactly do you want to celebrate?”Harry asks. “I have an idea.” Louis smirks and pulls of his shirt in one move. “Get out of you clothes Mr. Styles.” He kisses the other boy's mouth again, softly biting his bottom lip before he lets go of him so he can get rid of his clothes. “Harry, you're so beautiful.”

 

“You're not that bad yourself.” Harry longs for Louis' lips on his but the older boy has other plans. He lets his left hand slide into Harry's boxers. “What do you want Haz?”

 

“You.”

 

“Me?”

 

“I want you!” Louis kisses the butterfly on his boyfriend's stomach. “You have to be more specific.” Harry groans as Louis' fingertips touch his butt hole. It drives him insane. “Want. You. Inside me.”

 

“Inside you.” Louis' finger stay still for a second before he starts to slowly push into Harry's hole. “Feels good?” Harry moans and Louis takes it as a yes. “I'll add one more okay?” Harry nods. “Yes, please Lou.” The older boy carefully pushes another finger inside. “You are so beautiful. Such a good boy for me.”

 

“Love you Louis, fuck, I love you.” Louis smiles and leans down to kiss his boy. “Are you ready?” he whispers against Harry's lips. “Oh yes Louis, please.”

 

“Okay.” Louis is always so careful when he tops. “Does it hurt?” Harry shakes his head. “Good, I want to see you, okay?” Harry just moans Louis' name in response. “And I want you to come without touching.” He starts moving slowly. “You think you can do this?” Harry opens his eyes and Louis can't believe how beautiful they are.

 

“Yeah.” Louis smiles and moves a little faster. “Such a good boy. The best.” He leans in to kiss Harry's collarbone. “You are beautiful baby.” He kisses his arms, all of his tattoos from the boat to the anchor. “You are my anchor baby. You know that? You keep me from drowning.”

 

“Fuck Lou.”

 

“Are you there baby?” Harry can't do anything but nod. “Good yeah, me too.” Louis kisses the curly boy's mouth and parts his lips with his tongue. “So good baby, so good.”

 

Louis comes inside Harry, who follows him right behind, Louis moaning his name driving him over the edge. “Oh fuck. Lou!”

 

Louis still lies on top of Harry, head resting on the younger boy's chest. “I love you Harry.”

 

“Love you more.”

 

-

 

_25.April 2014_

 

The tour starts and Louis is not really happy with how far they've come with the changes. Liam is allowed to break up with Sophia but that's everything right now. It's a start but Louis is inpatient. He has waited for so long.

 

“Everything okay Lou?” Niall walks in Louis' and Harry's room with pizza and coke. “Hungry?”

 

“Yes.” Louis smiles. “Thanks.” Niall sits down beside him on the bed, takes a slice pizza out of the cartoon and gives a second one to Louis. “So, are you going to tell me what's wrong? You've been particularly quite the whole morning. Tonight is our first show. Aren't you a little bit excited?”

 

“'course I am. Just worried.” Niall nods and takes another bite of his pizza. “Yeah, I understand. Lima and Zayn are still not talking, management are still douche bags. I know. But let us help, don't take all the responsibility on your own okay?” Louis smiles a little as he reaches for the blonde boy's hand and squeezes it. “Thank you Nialler.”

  
“Not for this. And now we're going to get ready for our first concert!”

 

-

 

The first concert of a tour is always a special and exciting. But this one is even more outstanding for Liam because he is going to see Zayn, be on stage on him, sing with him when his heart still hurts every time he hears his name. He gets through the first half pretty good. The other boys help and the overwhelming feeling to be on stage again is stronger than his heartache.

 

But then they sing You & I and he just can't take it. This song means so much, he has the freaking lyrics tattooed on his arm.

He remembers Zayn whispering the words of the song into his ear and he doesn't know if he should be happy or sad and maybe he is both.

 

But Zayn is standing to his right, so close yet so far away and he just can't hold back the tears. Niall notices and he hugs him tight and Liam is so thankful to have his boys.  
Niall also makes fun of it after, but it's okay, he is just trying to defuse the situation. And Lima is pretty sure Zayn already saw the tears.

 

-

 

“Zayn, wait a second.” Hatty grabs the older boy's arm before Zayn can disappears right after the concert. “Are you okay?” Zayn nods and tries to get away from Harry. “Z please let me help you, okay? You haven't talked to any of us since when, February? That's two freaking month too much.” Zayn shrugs. “Wasn't in the mood of talking.” Harry sighs and leads his friend to the cars. “Get in.”

 

“What are we doing?”  
  
“Getting back to the hotel. And on the way, we'll talk!” They get into the back of the car.

 

“Zayn, now you tell me what happened after the Brits. Why am I not allowed to mention your name when Liam is in the room?” Zayn frowns and for the first time this evening he looks at Harry. “You're what?”

 

“Z, Liam can't even hear your name without crying. And we're going on a month long tour. So, whatever you did, you better fix it.” Harry looks at Zayn and as he notices the tears in his eyes, he thinks that maybe he was a little harsh. He takes the older boy's hands into his own. “Zayn.”

 

“I told him I do not love him.” Harry gaps. “You did what? Are you kidding me?” He lets go of Zayn's hands and pull on his hair desperately. “You do love him, don't you?” Zayn wipes his tears away. This all sounds even more stupid when he says it out loud.

 

“Of course I do. God, Harry you know how much I love him. But he looked at me with this beautiful eyes and said if I didn't love him he'd try being happy without me. I just wanted him to be happy Haz.” The tears are streaming down his face and maybe Harry's heart breaks a little. He moves closer to take his friends into his arms. “Zayn. He is not happy and neither are you. You are both inseparable. You are only hurting yourself with this lie. And you hurt him. He fucking cried on stage tonight. Zayn, he isn't happy. Can't you see that?” Zayn doesn't answer. He doesn't have to.

 

-

 

Liam didn't remember how lonely hotel rooms are. Maybe because he shared with Zayn for a big amount of the last tour. But today they don't and Harry shares with Louis, obviously, and Niall shares with Josh for some reason, so he is all alone.

 

He is still impressed from the huge stadium they've performed in and the crowd and he is still not over being near Zayn, so he figures he rather listen to some music and check his twitter instead of going to bed. He probably won't be able to sleep tonight either way.

 

 

 

As Zayn sneaks into Liam's room Drake – Doing it wrong is what the speakers play.

 

_I need someone different, you know it oh you know it,_

_oh you know it, we both know it, something's been missing._

 

“Liam.” The younger boy sits up from where he was lying on the bed and looks at Zayn for a moment before he stands up.

 

“Hi Z...Zayn. You were amazing on stage tonight. What...what are you doing here?”

 

“Liam.” Zayn repeats and closes the distance between them and falls into the other boy's arms.

“I missed you.”

 

But Liam pushes Zayn away. “Don't.” The older boy frowns. “Li, I...”

 

“No Zayn. Don't come here saying you miss me. I'm not read being friends. I'm not there yet, I'm sorry.”

  
“But Liam, I need you.” Zayn feels desperate as he realizes what a mess he'd caused with his lie.

 

“Don't...Don't say this. You told me you don't love me. And that's okay. But I do. I still love youu and it hurts so much I can't imagine.” Zayn shakes his head and tries to step closer to Liam again.  
  
“I can Jaan, I really can.” Liam moves backwards and looks at Zayn with tears in his eyes. “And don't call me this...I'm not your...not any more.” Zayn swallows. What can he do? It's always the same. He is always hurting Liam. He is not good for him.

 

“I'm sorry Liam, believe me, I'm sorry.” he says tears streaming down his face. Then he turns around and leaves the room. How is he going to survive this tour?

 

-

 

Zayn hesitates before knocking on Harry's and Louis' hotel-room door. But he can't be alone right know and further than that he wants someone to look after Liam. And Harry said he should let them in and talk to them.

 

Harry opens the door with his usual smile which drops as soon as he sees Zayn. “What happened?” But Zayn cannot answer because what should he say while the tears are falling down his cheeks and Harry understands either way. He pushes Zayn into the room and closes the door behind them. “Fuck Zayn, you talked to Liam, didn't you?” Zayn manages to nod.

 

“Oh fuck, I'm sorry, I really thought...” He runs his fingers through his long hair. “Lou. We have an emergency.” Louis' turns around in bed and pushes the sheets away. “What's up baby? Hi Zayn. That better be important, I need my beauty sleep.”

 

“It is important. You sleep in Liam's room tonight. I'm sorry boo.” Louis seems confused but then he looks Harry to Zayn. “Oh. Oh. Yeah of course baby.” He stands up and puts on some sweatpants. He gives Zayn a hug and kisses Harry before he leaves the room and tiptoes to Liam's.

 

-

 

He knocks on the door even thought he doesn't expect Liam to open. Thank god he stole a second key from Paul earlier today because he was worried about Liam shutting them out. So he unlocks the door and finds Liam lying on his bed, crying into his pillows.  
  
“Oh Lima.” The younger boy lifts his head. “Louis, what are you doing here?” Louis sits down beside him. “Zayn came to our room crying, so I just figured you'd need someone.” Liam nods. “Thank you.”

 

Louis lays down beside his friend and they both stare at the ceiling for a while.

 

“He said, he'd miss me.”

 

“Damn.” Louis sighs. “You know that he loves you right.” Liam laughes. “Yeah everyone keeps telling me this. But he said it to my face so...” Louis interrupts him. “People lie. People tell lies to protect the people they love.” Liam looks at him with disbelief. “You think...?” The older boy just nods and Liam is out of the bed in a second.

 

He storms into Louis' and Harry's room without knocking. “Zayn.” Harry and Zayn look up in disbelief. “Zayn, we need to talk. Right now.”  
  
Harry darts a questioning look at his boyfriend who appears in the doorway after Liam. Louis just shrugs. “Maybe you two should talk in your room Li.”  
  


Liam nods. “Are you coming Zayn?”

 

Zayn follows the other boy and he is afraid. Liam seems angry and he isn't sure if he can handle this. In the past four years there were only a few situation when Liam was angry. He gets sad yeah, or disappointed in himself or nervous and anxious. But when he gets angry it is bad.

 

“Li, what is...”

 

“Don't Zayn. Be quiet. I'm gonna ask you again now. And don't you dare lying to me okay. I trusted you Zayn. Don't destroy this.” He breathes in sharply and turns around to look Zayn into the eyes.

 

“Can you say without lying, that you do not love me?”

 

Zayn gasps. “I...”

 

“Zayn.” Liam steps closer and fixates Zayn with his brown eyes. “Can you?”

 

“I...” Zayn looks down to avoid Liam's look. “No.”

 

“Okay.” Liam runs his fingers through his hair and breathes hard. Then he lifts up Zayn's chin, so the older boy has to look at him. “Then why did you say it?”

 

“I...you...I don't know, you said, you'd try being happy without me, I just wanted you to be happy, Li, I am not good for you, I just keep hurting you, so...”

 

“Zayn.”

 

“I want you to have the best Li, you deserve it, I know I screwed up, I am so sorry...”

 

“Zayn.”

 

“I am not enough, I can't give you what you deserve, so I figured...”

 

“Jaan!”

 

Zayn jaw drops and he pauses to looks into Liam's beautiful brown eyes which crinkle as Liam's smiles at him.

 

“What did you just call me?”

“Jaan. You called me this remember? And you told me it means life. You are my life Zayn. And yes, the circumstances make me sad, but that is not your fault. You make me happier than a person can be. I love you. And I'd rather be sad with you.”

 

Zayn swallows and blinks away his tears and for the first time in weeks he smiles genuinely. Liam laughs nervously. “What? Are you going to say something?”

 

“I don't know. Are you going to kiss me already?”

 

And Liam does.  
  


-

 

_20th of July 2014_

 

Louis and Harry are lying in the bed they rented in this small bed and breakfast still in their wedding suits.

 

“Thank you for being there. And not freaking out over Eleanor. I had the best day. Wouldn't be the same without you.”

 

Harry kisses the palm of Louis' hand. “Wouldn't have missed it for anything Lou. I know how important this was for you. And I had a pretty beautiful day too.”  
  


Louis smiles as he turns around to capture his boyfriend's lips with his own. He feels Harry falling into the kiss, but his mind wanders somewhere else.

 

“Lou. Louuu. Louis!” The older boy opens his eyes and looks at Harry. “What?”  
Harry laughs. “Are you here Louis?” “Yeah, of course.” He turns on his back and looks at the ceiling. “Fuck it Harry.”

 

“Fuck what?” Harry is noticeably amused. “What's going on boo?”

 

Louis stands up and searches for something in his bag. As he comes back he look kind of nervous.

 

“Baby, I didn't plan to do it like this. I mean in my day dreams I always imagined this to be big and shiny, just like you deserve it. But I can't wait. I noticed this today as I looked at you on the wedding.” Harry looks at him questioning. “Louis?”

 

“Harry Edward Styles. I love you. I mean...I love you isn't even enough to describe what I am feeling. What I feel for you is so much more. And I want to spend the rest of my life with you. And I can't really wait for the rest of my...of our life to start. So I am asking you here and now. Harry, baby, are you going to make me the happiest man alive. Are you going to marry me?” And with this he opens his hand shows a beautiful golden ring.

 

Harry gasps. He looks from the ring in Louis hand to Louis' beautiful blue eyes back to the ring. “I...”

 

“Haz?”

Harry feels like his heart is beating out of his chest. He waited for this for so long. And now it is happening and he is not able to say anything.

 

“Baby?”

 

He can't speak, it's impossible so he just leans forward to kiss Louis.

 

“Yes. Yes. Yes.” He whispers against Louis' lips as soon as he is able to speak. “Of course.”

 

-

 

_7th of September 2014_

 

Over half a year later, they are back at Niall's house in London, and maybe they are not perfectly happy and not everything is sorted out and they are definitely not there yet. But as Louis looks into the faces of the boys that are his life, he sees that they are a lot happier.

 

“I missed this.” He says. “Just the five of us.” He plays with Harry's curls, who is lying on his lap, half asleep. Zayn, Niall and Liam are lying on the couch opposite of them, all cuddled up to each other.

 

“I love you boys. And thank you.”

 

“For what?” Niall asks.

 

“Better days.“

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. 
> 
> Tell me if I should write a sequel. And come find me on tumblr, if you want to talk about anything. I would be very grateful:)
> 
> https://www.tumblr.com/blog/itisthesuninyoureyes


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